her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
