brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
These tits shall not be calmed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
