Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
