Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
