im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
