That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
