How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
