If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
