the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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