the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
