I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
