I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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