how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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