you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she looked like the before picture.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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