I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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