1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.