$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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