shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
