Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
