apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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