our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
