I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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