You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
