I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I lost the right to judge tonight
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
