I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Randomize
