Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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