stop calling my apartment porn island.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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