I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
