Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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