I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
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Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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