Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
