i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
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Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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