I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
