Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
