in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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