I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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