I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
