Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
