If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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