Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dick very happy bro
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
