Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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