I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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