Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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