Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
