dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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