So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
