She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He did a backflip because drugs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
