it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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