i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
