Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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