dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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