Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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