Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
