i need an iv and a liver transplant
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
